I'm for peace. I have yet to wake up in the morning and hear a man say, I've just had a good war.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute; sit on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour--that's relativity.

Problems cannot be solved at the same level of awareness that created them.

When large numbers of men are unable to find work, unemployment results.

At least I have the modesty to admit that lack of modesty is one of my failings.

The one thing you must not commit with the Irish is to succeed.

The worst part of having success is to try finding someone who is happy for you.

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.

My prodigious sin was and still is, being a nonconformist. Although I am not a Communist, I refused to fall in line by hating them.

It's better to be old than dead.

I leave before being left. I decide.

(Thomas Wolfe) was the greatest five-year-old who ever lived.

Truman Capote has made lying an art. A minor art.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

My favorite city in the world is New York. Sure it's dirty--but like a beautiful lady smoking a cigar.

I start with the premise that the function of leadership is to produce more leaders, not more followers.

I'll tell you what the real problem is. We ask people to think, instead of asking them to believe. And history has always gone to those who ask people to believe.

I can't wait until tomorrow. Why not? Cause I get better looking every day.

A real important thing is that, though I rely on my husband for love, I rely on myself for strength.

Gambling promises for the poor what property performs for the rich--something for nothing.

One is not born a woman, one becomes one.

Auto racing is a matter of mathematics--timing. Sex has nothing to do with winning a race. You see, the timekeeper's clock ticks at the same speed for a man or a woman.

Then you realise that you've got to have a purpose
Or this place is gonna knock you out sooner or later.

"Clash City Rockers," 1979

Every workplace has a resident a**hole.

Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything.

Writing is very easy. All you do is sit in front of a typewriter keyboard until little drops of blood appear on your forehead.

If you don't feed the cat, you'll end up feeding the mice.

Empty wagons make a lot of noise.

It's always darkest before the dawn.

You can't choose your family, so choose your friends carefully.

The definition of chutzpah: the man who murders his parents, then, at his trial, tells the court to "Have mercy on a poor orphan!"

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.

Don't spit in the soup that you're going to eat.

A lawyer is someone who will defend you to your last dollar.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

A cigarette is an object with a fire on one end and a fool on the other.

A party is only as good as the DJ.

The eyes believe themselves; the ears believe other people.

Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.

You can't swim in s*** and come out smelling like chocolate ice cream.

A man is like a bus. If you miss one, wait twenty minutes and another will come along.

It's a poor workman who criticizes his tools.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

"Assume" makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me."

The problem with men is men. The problem with women is men.

Wine is the greatest medicine.

Actions speak louder than words.

The most dangerous part of a car is the nut behind the wheel.

Poets and pigs are appreciated only after their death.

A wife that does not know how to keep house throws out more with a teaspoon than a man can bring in with a shovel. (Can be applied to any monetary situation.)

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

A friend asks only for your time not your money.

Opinions are like a**holes. Everyone has one.

Opinions are like toothbrushes. Everyone has one and no one wants yours.

The good is the enemy of the great.

The more I know about men, the more I love my dog.

It's just as easy to love a rich man as a poor one.

Hunger is the best sauce.

An idle mind is the workshop of the Devil.

Just when you think you've got it idiot-proofed, along comes another idiot.

Measure twice; cut once.

A miss is as good as a mile.

To climb a ladder, start at the bottom rung.

May all your ups and downs be between the sheets. [Best wishes on your wedding day!]

Labels: television

I may have been born yesterday, but I wasn't born last night.

Drop him like a bad habit. (Get rid of him!)

Call me butter, 'cause I'm on a roll.

(Paige)

Labels: television

If you have steak at home, don't go out for hamburger. (If you have that hot spouse at home, why are you seeing that skank outside?)

Did I miss a day at school? [Did I miss something here?]

As useful as a snooze button on a smoke alarm.

You kiss your mother with that mouth? (Such terrible language.)

Who died and made you king?

Jumped on it like a fat kid on a Smartie.

[The bureaucracy of a divided authority often makes you feel you are] trying to run through mud up to the waist.

It's like riding a psychotic horse toward a burning stable.

Labels: movie

Penny wise, pound foolish.

Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven.

Don't break your arm. (Meaning, don't congratulate yourself too much. The reference is to breaking your arm while trying to pat yourself on the back.)

Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, what did you think of the play?

I'm on it like a hobo on a ham sandwich. (Lee jeans commercial)

He couldn't find a hooker in a whorehouse. (He can't find anything!)

She's so two-faced, I'm surprised she doesn't have two passports to cover it.

She's so two-faced, she doesn't know if she's coming or going.

I'm glad I don't have your nerve in my tooth. [You've got some nerve.]

(Mr. Mash)

Labels: television

I don't want to be a lightbulb. (This is a Chinese expression something like our "third wheel." A lightbulb "shines between two people," so being a lightbulb means you are getting between two people who want to be alone together.)

Don't treat me like a mushroom (don't keep me in the dark and feed me bull****). (Old t-shirt saying.)

Bachelor: A man who comes to work each morning from a different direction.

What's the matter, the bride is too beautiful? (Meaning, you're complaining about a good situation.)

Sex is the television of the poor.

The potter always drinks from a broken cup.

There are two things you never hear about: the death of the poor, and the indiscretions of the rich.

Before you steal a tower, dig a well. (Before you steal something the size of a tower, you should dig a well to put it in.)

There's no such thing as a free kick. (Similar to our "free lunch" expression, but worse. They're saying that no one will even kick you for free.)

Die once, cry once.

(Iranian saying)

One idiot drops a stone into the well, that ten normal people can't get out again.

God may not be a carpenter, but He makes a good joint [referring to marriages].

You should not be kinder to a child than its own mother.

One roof, two climates.

One dog barks at something, the rest bark at him.

Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one.

If you marry for money, you'll earn it.

The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it.

The more you share your life with people, the more they become shareholders in your life.

Of all the strategems, to know when to quit is the best.

Don't cry until you see the coffin.

Be not so much concerned if you are slow as when you come to a halt.

Sometimes it is better not to see an insult.